South Wales man, David Parker has said he has found true happiness after leaving his wife and setting up a lovenest in a Swansea bedsit with his sheep, Nick Boing.

Pictured above – the happy couple.

‘I should have seen this coming,’ said David’s long suffering wife. ‘His interest in the sheep was unhealthy and recently a WALES ON SUNDAY article told how David allowed the sheep to stay in our bed. Years ago there was talk of David and the ducks in the park pond but I thought it was rubbish. Now I’m not so sure.’

David hit back saying, ‘I know the anguish I must have caused but you can’t help who you fall in love with. I am planning on a civil ceremony. If gays can do it then why not bestiality’ists? You show me where it says a man can’t marry a sheep. I’m Welsh for goodness sake so by falling in love with my sheep it is not as if I’ve set a precident.’

It’s a safe bet Nick Boing and David will not be having lamb at their wedding dinner.

We at, The Rhondda Rover, wish the happy couple all the best.

a rosey future for nick boing as the new Mrs Palmer

a rosey future for nick boing as the new Mrs Parker......

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President Norman Brown

July 9, 2008

Ever wondered how the rest of the world sees the UK? Well the following is a transcript of a conversation that acrually took place on a USA radio station, between a disc jockey and the station’s UK correspondent:

 
"Good morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad.
 
The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation's
capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this
guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent Brit in London."
 
 
"Hey, Chad As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar
Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me."
 
 
"So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?"
 
"Well, Chad, he has been President for some nine months now. He used to
be Chancellor."
 
"What, you mean he's, like, German?"
 
"No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here."
 
"And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?"
 
"No, Chad. He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative,
either.
He only pretended to be."
 
"So how did Brown get the job?"
 
"He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down."
 
"But he won an election, right?"
 
"No, Chad, there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one,
but
decided against it because he was frightened he might lose."
 
 
"How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean,
it's not like President Blair was assassinated."
 
 
"That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party
with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President."
 
"So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?"
 
"Negative, again, Chad. He did raise money and have a leadership
campaign, but no one stood against him."
 
"What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?"
 
"Affirmative, Chad."
 
"Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country
hasn't elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a
tinpot Commie dictatorship to me."
 
"You could say that, Chad. Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone
being given the chance to vote on anything."
 
"Someone must have voted for him, some time."
 
"Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in
Scotlandland."
 
"He's Scoddish, then?"
 
"That's a big Ten-Four, Chad."
 
"So is he President of Scotlandland, too?"
 
"No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon."
 
"Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of
Englandland?"
 
"That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad.  Brown can
make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland.
 
 
Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of
Englandland's lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in
Brussels, Belgiumland."
 
 
"That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in
America and handing it over to Mexico."
 
"I guess so."
 
"How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that?"
 
"They didn't.  Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a
solemn
promise in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed to
vote."
 
 
"Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?"
 
"Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg,
where the geese come from."
 
"Isn't there any opposition?"
 
"There's a guy called Boris who is president of London."
 
"Sounds Russian."
 
"I wouldn't be surprised, Chad. There are millions of Eastern
Europeans
living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen mass
immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either."
 
 
 
"What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit?
We're talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the
Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy.
How does Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy."
 
 
"Far from it, Chad. According to the latest opinion polls, he's the
most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than
George Dubya Bush. There's talk about him having to stand down soon.
He's already promised the job to some guy who works for him - name of Ed
Balls."
 
 
"Say again, Brit, you're breaking up."
 
"BALLS!"
 
"You're damn right there, buddy."

VALLEYS POETRY

July 6, 2008

I’ve done something bad, something hot

Now I’ve got to wait 42 days to find out what..

………………………………………………………………

Pontypridd, once noble town

Now has slipped its proudly held crown

Even the shoplifters are drifting away

Nothing to filch, can’t earn today

……………………………………………………………………

Picture taken on Mumbles Beach, Swansea – JUne 2008. This area was often walked by Dylan Thomas.

Pontypridd’s Forest pub is to hold an Elvis impersonator night this July with the winner, the act voted most like Elvis, will be flown to Memphis for a month’s paid holiday and also cut a record at the original Sun records studio where the king was discovered. The event is to be jointly sponsored by Burgarking and Macdonalds and should help to bring high quality entertainment into Pontypridd. Unconfirmed as of yet but it is highly expected that TV’s Simon Cowell and Shaking Stevens will be judges on the big night.

‘Elvis will live forever,’ said Steve (pictured) of Stevo’s Taxi’s, twice winner of Porthcawl’s annual Elvis festival. ‘I’ve been doing the king since I was three years old and would love to finally visit Graceland. It’s always been a dream of mine.’

Tickets are available from The Forest on Wood Road now and all monies raised will go to charity.

Rock on Pontypridd.

A survey published by RCT’s Quango Department has revealed that the public think 98% of surveys are a waste of both time and money. The survey is to be published in the 2008 RCT’s glossy booklet that no-one bothers to read.

CHAV – The word is bandied about in the press on an almost daily basis but does anyone really understand the meaning of the word? It’s not all Burberry and cheap larger. So here, as a public service, the Rhondda Rover looks at this species known as THE CHAV.

Chav (idioticus dickheadicus) is something of a modern phenomenon and evolved in the early years of the millenium. It seems that millions of years have taken the human being from ape to chav. A natural progresion that will eventually see us coming full circle and once again becoming simians.

The Chav, both male and female, are easily identified by their bizarre dress sense and lack of any grace whatsoever.

The Chav spends most of its time hanging around city centres where it partakes in the strange custom of bothering members of the public. They tend to scrounge cigarettes of passer’s by and the bolder ones will often ask for money for a coffee which usually means drugs. They take taxi cabs and then run after telling the driver to, F***K O**.

The Chav talks in a strange rap like fashion and uses words like awesome, wicked, well ard and sweet. On giro day the chav will hit the town and buy a three litre bottle of White Lightning and ten Lambert.  And get absolutely slaughtered. Chav’s often hang around shops like Cash Generator where they can sell or buy bling and stuff.

The Chav likes to inhale lighter fluid as, “Gives a good fucking Buzz, man!”

There are also middle aged Chavs – this one is sitting on the stairs waiting for the giro to come through the door. In his sparetime it likes to play xylaphone by taking its shirt off.

The chav likes to pour vodka or Stella into its girlfriend’s vagina and then slurp it out – They call this custom, MINGE DRINKING.

For protection during sex chavs usually use a bus shelter.

A chav in a white shell suit is probably the bride.

A chav in a suit is called the accused.

A Chav in a nice house is known as a burglar.

Two Chavs in a car without any music usually means the police are driving.

Chav’s are expert shoplifters and often hang around bus and train stations selling cheap purfume from Woolworth’s or CD’s with security stickers still attached.

So that’s the Chav – next time we take a look at the issue of obesity. This is an highly sensative issue and we will treat it with respect in our next post entitled, Those Fat Bastards.

The following entry was told to me by a very good friend, a man who didn’t want to obstruct the public highway with a massive sofa and two chairs.

QUOTE:

I needed a large three piece removed from my property and so I telephoned the RCT collection people and they arranged to pick it up this morning between 7.30 am and 4pm. I left the items leaning up against the front wall, as I didn’t want to put them in the street as that would cause an obstruction to anyone trying to cross, forcing passers-by to walk onto the road. Surely, I thought, this is the responsible thing to do – after all obstructing the pavement must be wrong. Plus a sofa and two chairs in the middle of the pavement would attract the Chavs and the next thing you’d know is the items would be in the middle of the road or used, as an alternative to bush shelters,  to create more Chavs to drain the public purse. There’s a big time scale between early morning and late afternoon – a three piece in the street for all that time!

END QUOTE

Not good enough for RCT and collectors drove straight past.

Promptly THE RHONDDA ROVER telephoned them and they said their ever so fragile workers are not allowed to collect from gardens in case they injure themselves. Which makes no logical sense since gardens are nice soft grass and the public highway, which they advise obstructing, is hard nasty pavement. Of course there is always the possibility that there was a new type of corrosive grass and sharp bushes in my friends garden.

Makes me wonder why I pay the council tax – mind you, I always wonder that especially when I see the published councillors expense list.

My mate can’t be arsed to deal with this nonsense and instead he will burn the sofa this evening, spewing chemicals into the air.

GEORGE CARLIN

June 24, 2008

Not RCT related but couldn’t let this pass without a little tribute:

RIP

George Denis Patrick Carlin (born May 12, 1937) is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author.

Carlin is especially noted for his political and black humor and his observations on language, psychology, and religion along with many taboo subjects. Carlin and his “Seven Dirty Words” comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a narrow 5-4 decision by the justices affirmed the government’s right to regulate Carlin’s act on the public airwaves. This resulted in the comedian being thrown into prison.

George Carlin’s most recent stand up routines are primarily focused on attacking the flaws in modern-day America. He often takes on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirizes the excesses of American culture. His use of the language falls nothing short of true genius and his finger has always been more on the pulse than comedians half his age.

Just type in  -Seven Words you can’t say on television –  into you tube and you’ll get to see the legendary seven words routine.

He is considered by many to be a successor to the late Lenny Bruce and was described by Comedy Central as the second greatest stand-up comedian of all time behind Richard Pryor, and right before Lenny Bruce. He was also the first person to host Saturday Night Live.

REMEMBER SHITPISSMOTHERFUCKERCOCKSUCKERCUNT

He will be missed …a comedian equal to the late great Bill Hicks.

A funny man died today – a truly funny man and one that wasn’t afraid to push the boundaries in his comedy which is something many comedians could learn from. In fact I’ve been learning the seven words routine to put it into my own act (why not? – singers do cover versions so why not comedians!!!) and it’s difficult to carry off and demands the performer perfects a certain rhythm or it sounds ridiculous. Carling was a true genius.

One of the most common comments about this blog is that I have not identified myself and therefore

should not be taken seriously.

Well okay I’m publishing a picture of myself here at my computer so you can put a face to the words.

This is me after an hard day at work – I’m a personal fitness instructor – and I’m working hard here at keeping my readership informed on the latest happenings in RCT.

After we reported on the council threat to strike two days ago, Tonight’s South Wales Echo has it as its headline story. Remember you heard it here first.

Last week I was watching TV and there was a documentary about the Welsh and someone said that as a nation we hate the English.

This is not trut but it does remind me of a story we were told at school:

Owen the first ever Welsh man stood at the top of a mountain and got to speak to the lord. He looked out at the wonderful Welsh landscape – the hills, the lakes, rivers, mountain, attractive sheep and the A470 and he say’s, ‘Lord you must love the Welsh. For you have made us so fortunate with this place which is truly Heaven on Earth.’

And the Lord says: ‘I’ve not been generous with the Welsh. This land may be truly wonderous but wait till you meet your neighbours.’

was a great success. So much so that it will now be an annual event designed to give gay senior citizens a place to meet likeminded people.

‘There wasn’t so much of a gay movement in my day,’ said Betty Tasker, association president, ‘ But you’ve got to keep up with  the modern trends. And these days I get as much minge as is possible.’

The night went in a great fashion with a themed gay meal – jumbo sausages and pink wine followed by fairy cakes and afterwards there was a concert from a Village People tribute band.

‘The cowboy looked well hunky.’ Said General Clive Smith, 94 of Thomastown. ‘ I wouldn’t kick him out of my sleepeasy bed.’

Many new relationships were formed at the meeting and Jim Jenkins, 81,treasurer said, ‘We are so looking forward to our first civil ceremony when two of our members get married in August. Edith Hawkings, a widow from Trebanog will wed Emily Tanner after the pair met at bingo last weekend and had their first kiss at the gay and lesbian night.’

A resuscitation team were on standby for the entire event but were not needed. Except for one small incident where a pair of loose dentures caused a minor penile injury.

The prospect of a summer of discontent over tea breaks will hinge on the result of a strike ballot among hundreds of thousands of council workers.

Members of Unison have been voting on whether to launch a campaign of industrial action after rejecting a 4% tea break offer.

Good job they are not on performance related going home for a kippay otherwise the offer would have been something like -2.45%.

More than 800,000 council workers, ranging from school dinner ladies and classroom assistants to architects and refuse collectors and quango managers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, are involved in the dispute.

The union will have to give seven days’ notice (but send the letter second class)  of strike action if there is a Yes vote.

Industrial action is likely to involve strikes of more than two days as part of a “sustained campaign”.

Employers have made it clear the 4% tea break is the final offer and have warned that jobs and services will be affected if the offer is increased.

Unison members in Scotland are also voting on industrial action in a separate dispute over pay.

The Rhondda Rover has an idea but alas it is one that will not be implemented – why not cap the councillors wild expenses and use some of that to pay the workers and extend the poor dears tea breaks. Too simplistic, I know, but it would be a damn good thing. The thing is when we see these council road workers sleeping and drinking tea at the side of the road, while their temporary traffic lights are stuck on red both sides, will we know if they are just resting as usual or on strike? And will this strike include traffic wardens? If so then please please strike away.