The rover returns

May 6, 2009

The rover has returned and will be posting here again – upsetting fatties, poofs and the liberal minded. Oh and councillors, traffic wardens and police.

Because of several attacks on women in the Taff Street car park, R.C.T Council have taken the steps of creating the country’s first women only car park.

Talks have broken down and now the Ponty separatists are at war with the RCT controlling body.

The new Pontypridd President

Alf Edwards (pictured) today gave a statement that read we will do everything in our power to ensure Pontypridd people can live in freedom, without interference from the totalitarian regime that is the RCT.

You can now smoke in Pontypridd, all speed cameras as CTV are to be destroyed and traffic wardens can be killed on sight. Also Ponty will now force it’s women to wear long smocks (pictured below) to protect their dignity. However these smock will not be as severe as those worn by Muslim women but will be adapted to reflect the valley’s lifestyle.

Hostilities will begin at midnight tonight.

WAR BREWS IN RHONDDA

August 9, 2008

The threat of war hangs heavy in the air over the valleys, fear mixing heavily with the mist coming in from the peaceful hills.

Pontypridd’s separatist party has taken over control of the RCT Council in a daring raid yesterday afternoon and are now asking for total independence from the RCT governing council. The ultimatum has been made that if RCT fails to recognize Pontypridd as a self governed state by Monday then war will be declared.

PICTURES ABOVE – Ponty freedom fighters bomb Pontypridd yesterday during a daring raid on the RCT controlled council offices.

£67.000 of tax payers money spent by myopic self centred council

£67.000 of tax payers money spent by myopic self centred council

£67.000 – that was the total amount of tax payers money spent by the council on these twin arches, one of which has already been vandelised with yellow paint, in Pontypridd’s Taff Street. The arches, made from stainless steel, and bearing the Welsh phrases Bwa I Boble a Bro which translates as, someone got a back hander stand in Taff Street each side of the hated pedestrianisation system.

RCT Council Cabinet Member Paul Cannon, speaking from his secret underwater lair beneath the raging waters of the River Taff where he plans to one day rule the world, said – ‘This is an incredible exciting project and clearly illustrates the gradual regeneration of Pontypridd.’

We, at the Rhondda Rover, have only one thing to say – F**k off you myopic, self centred, self publicity seeking, abuser of public funds.

This is the council plans to revive Ponty:

LARGE multi million pound carbuncle Pennant House at St. Catherine’s Corner which makes an already bad traffic situation worse.

No public toilets open at night – no wonder the Rhondda Rover saw two middle aged women pissing in the lift on Ponty Train station last Friday night. And only just missed a photo opportunity to embarrass these middle aged chavs on the world wide web.

The removal of the free paddling pool in Ynysangharad War memorial

That bloody Pedestrianisation Scheme which is popular with no one and causing a loss of business in the shops.

Allowing the once world famous market to become a sorry excuse for its former self. The council should be forcing the owners to spend some money and modernise this smelly damp market. One day it’ll be gone – mind you maybe that’s what the council want. Maybe long term plans are to stick a TESCO’s there.

Still at least these arches will still be there when all the shops have closed down – probably standing, gleaming, outside a load of boarded up buildings. Spending this much tax payers money on this when there are far more pressing problems in Ponty is outrageous. And the current council should be thrown from their seats and the public should be better consulted on the town. These sculptures were in planning lone before May when the pedestrianisation scheme should have been under review. Now it seems Taff Street is staying a pedestrian area –the council have brought this in by stealth.

The Pontypridd Observer claimed last week’s Rhydian concert was a raging success – were they there? It was a joke and Rhydian acted like a prima donna, refusing to sign autographs and cutting his set short. Mind you the PONTY OBSERVER is shite these days. It should be challenging the council with every move they make but instead it is content to be an AD RAG with the only passionate page being the letters page in which, people, do get a chance to rant.

BUT back to that £67.000 – what better use that could have been put to. The council reckon they are skint and are pushing for another Council Tax Hike. We need to be told how many artists tendered for these arches and who was the imbecile who thought £67.000 was a proper amount to spend on this joke. You can’t even walk through them.


It was recently reported that 55% of the UK’s children are obese. It is a problem and many reasons are given for this epidemic of flab – from junk food to too much time spent on computers with not enough excercise.

Fatties are a blight on today’s society – they smell and can’t walk up hills. They also emit large quantities of greenhouse gases that will eventually destroy our planet.

Fatties tend to follow a pattern of chocolate, kebabs and diet Coke.

Some fatties get depressed and have been known to end it all by jumping to their deaths. As pictured below when a local fattie stripped naked and leapt off Ponty Train Station to the hard ground below.

(Pictured – dead fat jumper on train station)

But some think big is beautiful and recently there was a Miss Bulge competition held to find the foxiest lard arse.

Can you imagine spitroasting one of these beauties!!!!!!

The Rhondda Rover is partial to the odd fat bird, especially after several pints so it is with the BIG IS BEAUTIFUL camp that we reside. Come on girls, have another cream cake, enjoy another pork pie and let’s get down and dirty…..

PICTURED – A FATTIE ENJOYS THE SUNSHINE IN Ponty Park.

However a word of warning – fatties can be over sensative. For instance I was making love to a fattie last week and I decided to get on top. I only commented – ‘I can see my house from here….’

WORLD WAR III BROKE OUT. My bird rolled over suddenly, sending me crashing onto the floor from a great height, and then stormed out of the bedroom, actually jamming her arse in the door. She was so annoyed that she went downstairs and swallowed the fridge, contents, electrical lead and all.

I had to escape through the bedroom window for fear of getting eaten too as my fat lover consumed everything in a massive comfort eating binge. As soon as I heard the stair carpet going down her gullet that was enough for me.

PICTURED BELOW – My frantic escape

Ever since my fat friend has refused to talk to me and the possibility of more nights of wild abandon and fleshy frolics seem particularly remote..

X-FACTOR runner up Rhydian – he of the slightly scary looks and operatic voice -performed at Ponty Park last night and left punters shocked and dissapointed. He cut his act short because of problems with backing tapes and then refused to sign anything for fans. He, in best prima donna fashion , rushed off afterwards to his batcave to worship his Simon Cowell effigy. Good jobs the tickets were free or I’d want my money back.

That bird who had a hit years ago with ‘I wanna be a punk rocker’  was brilliant and signed my naked chest with scarlet lipstick. I became so aroused I had to nip behind the pavilion to bang one off handwise.

All the local bands glowed with talent. It’s these guys, who will pay their dues by gigging, gigging and more gigging that will have a long term future. Troll faced tits who go on an exploitative TV shows and then don’t even win will become Barry Manilow tribute acts.

RCT council have excelled again. Remember the three piece story a few weeks ago. Well get this one – guy in Church Village phones RCT to have a three piece collected. He is told that they can only take two items at a time and the other chair will be picked up a fortnight later. He complains saying , a chair in the garden, battered by rain, will rot but is told it is council rules of only two items. He then moans even further and is told by the guy on the phone to give the collection guys a tenna on the sly and they’ll probably take the extra chair.

The guy tells RCT to piss off, saying he pays the council tax and now they tell him this.

(PICTURED LEFT) Pontypridd cabbies look forward to their civil ceremony to be held this August. The ceremony will be a lavish affair and afterwards the happy couple plan to jet over to San Fransisco for a month long honeymoon.

‘I’ll be walking like John Wayne after that.’ Said the feminine one.

Workers at RCT council have just completed a two day strike and more wildcat strikes are promised if they don’t get their wishes of the working day being 10% official tea breaks rather than the 4% currently allowed.

Mr Ima Lazybastard who works at Pontypridd’s Market Street council offices said, ‘Bosses are being unfair. We’ve have had the same time allowed for tea breaks since the 1970’s. Our tea breaks should go with inflation and the 10% we are asking is not unfair.’

Council bosses pointed out, ‘It is actually 5% quicker to make tea than it was in the 1970’s because the modern kettle is a technological marvel and actually taking that into account the 4% we currently allow for official tea breaks is more than enough,’ Said Council Boss, Dafydd Dewdrop. ‘In fact,’ he added. ‘The lazy bastards take loads of unofficial breaks as it is.’

Strikers hit back saying, ‘Mugs are much bigger now so our tea breaks are dwindling. It takes at least 9% longer to drink a mug these days and biscuit chewing time all cuts into our scant allocated time.’

(PICTURED ABOVE – PONTY CHAVS DISCUSS FISCAL POLICIES AND GORDON’S BROWN’S NO WASTE SPEECH WHILE THEY WAIT FOR THE DSS TO OPEN)

Council workers enjoyed the strike with workmen being allowed to bring deck chairs, books and Ipods onto the picket lines. The one downside was the the weather was crap but the next strike is to be coordinated with the met office to ensure a pleasing day.’

Also in Pontypridd this week Rhydian will bring his Des O’conner tribute act to the park in order to please his many taste bereft fans. Expect an invasion of middle aged bimbos and woolie cardigans as the man who almost had the X factor brings the bimbos to the heights of sexual frenzy. Tom Jones might as well remove the carrot from his leather pants because the future belongs to Rhydian. The tickets have all been snapped up – mind you they were FREE.

BELOW: The Rhondda Rover has secured photographic proof that global warming is very real.

The Rhondda by-pass as seen from Wattstown.

Talbot Green’s flamboyant councillor, Paul Baccara has hit out at the government policy of closing post offices when by the strict rules of his position he should have declared a conflict of interest and shut up. Don’t forget he is the postmaster at Talbot Green as well as local councillor so maybe he should stop supporting self serving issues  and get down to some serious councilling. Maybe sort out the New Park estate which is fast turning into a no go area.

What Johnny Cash would say to the councillor were he around to do so.